CHARITY

“The only way I can do my job right now is because God has done some hard things to work on the harder parts of my character. That’s the only way! There is a closeness to the Lord that you have when you have experienced God for yourself. And I am super thankful for those experiences with Him leading up to now, because they have shaped me into who I am today. You have to know - where does help come from? Where does strength come from? As a believer, Jesus is the one who fills me.”

Charity and I have been trying to sit down together since before Covid hit. After months of waiting and a couple false starts we finally got to meet at an eclectic coffee shop that brought us our drinks in tall glasses. Charity sipped her custom-made latte with pleasure. “That is delicious! I love a good caramel iced latte!”

Double majoring in criminal justice and homeland security, Charity now works for a non-profit faith-based safe home for survivors of human trafficking. It is where her heart is and where God has called her to serve Him.

“I have lots of big dreams in the field of anti-trafficking work. One day I want to have a home for trafficking survivors with a security team that actually goes out and rescues.” Charity then explained how she has already thought through pulling her friends in, hiring them to use their talents to help serve others. “I am passionate about faith-based work in this field, because without Jesus at the focal point no real transformation can happen in a person’s life. There is great work being done by secular groups in this area, I have worked in a non-faith based residential organization before, but spiritually Jesus is where the hurt find freedom. There is no hope that you can give without Jesus.”

Working with survivors of trafficking is not an easy job, and Charity talked to me about the constant need to be seeking the Lord for guidance in every situation. She also shared with me some of the struggle that she has gone through and the healing that God has brought her over the last 6 years serving Him as a single woman.

“I’m not just single, I’m also almost 30 and I still live at home. In society those are big no no’s! It’s like “why aren’t you dating?” “Do you date?” Charity laughed. “I think that honestly, where I am right now, I’m ok being single. And that is a prayer the Lord has answered for me, because I said, “Ok God, if this is not a part of my season right now then I don’t want the distraction of it - So take the desire away.” Maybe that is why I see dating as exhausting right now. But also, I think that within this year, maybe some of last year, I have been thinking about it. And not so much coming out of a place of despair, ‘Oh my God, I’m single!’ but more, ‘Ok Lord, I’ve been in this season of waiting for 6 years - What comes next.’”

Six years ago Charity started walking with the Lord on the journey of singleness and abstinence when a relationship ended.

“For me, the struggle of singleness is tied to my story of abstinence. Six years ago I was in a season of rebellion. Willingly. I chose that. In the beginning my relationship with this guy started in a very good way. We were great friends. Our family and siblings were friends so we just spent a lot of time together which was awesome. He was a new Christian so in the beginning he had lots of questions and we would talk about the Lord all the time. But somewhere along the way the Lord was no longer in the center.”

“He ended up being with another girl and she got pregnant. That is the ultimate thing that no one wants to experience!! I was like - Why!!!! I was dealing with a lot of upheaval emotionally and I wasn’t sleeping well and I decided that I was done with this, the emotional roller coaster of being promiscuous. I really sensed God drawing me to himself during that time. I remember writing a piece of poetry that was a letter to this guy. It was in July and July was his birthday month so I wrote this letter/poem and that was my final closing the door and good bye. In that letter one of the things I talked to him about was the fact that the other girl’s soul was important. It was so difficult. My friend told me, look, you can't be mad at her. She doesn’t know Jesus and it’s in her nature to do this. And I was like “that does not make me feel better!!!” But it brought things into perspective. The spirit of this world and the spirit of God do not mix. But it was hard to let go because I was like, “But Jesus, I just really want to be mad!!” But can I actually be mad at someone who is doing what is in their nature. God showed me that I needed to be more sensitive to those who don’t know Christ. For me, being able to see people that way is a life skill.”

“After that I carried not just the pain of what happened to me, but also the pain of “he’s not with the Lord”, and I felt like I had had a part to play in that. I felt responsible in a lot of ways for him walking away from God during that season of his life. And the Lord really had to show me that I was not responsible for his sin. I am responsible for my part that I played, yes, but I am not responsible for where he was or was not spiritually. That was the biggest thing for me.”

“So the Lord was really dealing with my heart and shortly after all that I went to a retreat. All my defenses were down and I was very open to hear from the Lord, and God was speaking. At the retreat we talked about sex God’s way. There were a lot of people who were not open to that conversation because they were leading promiscuous lives and they didn’t want to change. But it was then that God really got my attention and I surrendered my heart. I finally surrendered and I stopped holding onto pieces that I would not allow God to have. I gave him everything instead of, “Oh, you can have this part of my life but definitely not this part.” It changed the trajectory of my life. That was 2014. I’ve been abstinent 6 years.

“And so that is where I am right now. I am taking a step back and just realizing that, “God, you have kept me for 6 years where I have actually cared about singleness.’”

“We don’t want the pain. We don’t want to welcome pain, but we grow through painful experiences. For me that season was very raw and honest, a broken place. But out of that brokenness God brought me through and as a result I grew in ways I would not have grown had those things not taken place. Definitely thankful for the journey. It was hard. It was hard, but I don’t know if I would have learned those lessons through anything else. I grew so much spiritually through it all and I experienced his faithfulness during that season of my life. That is something that no one can take from me. Even though it was hard along the way it was worth it, because I am able to know God in a way I would not have had those things never happened. Honestly, if I could go back and not walk through that, would I? I don’t know - you know what I’m saying? People might take that as me saying I want to willfully sin, but that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying God works in spite of and even through my sin.”

It is hard to hear those words because I don’t like pain. But when I am scared of the dark path ahead, I need to know God will walk with me. Because of that I love hearing people who have walked hard paths say, “God is good. Where I am is good. He is faithful and I can trust Him.” Those words are forged in the hard times and there is so much weight to their truth.

I asked Charity what was beautiful about being a single woman and she answered with a happy laugh.

“In very short terms -the freedom to be! I’ve grown a lot in my relationship with the Lord - come to know him in deeper ways. I’ve had opportunity to travel. I’ve been in programs that I wouldn’t even have even tried to get into if I had been in a relationship. People say you aren’t functioning if you aren’t dating, and I’m just like - no. I can actually live my life and serve the Lord. We tend to erect idols of people in our lives, and for me it is a blessing to have freedom from those temptations. The freedom from the pitfalls. There is joy in that, even though it is the opposite of what the world might think.”

But there are also struggles.

“Waiting is hard. It is a hard season. There are times when I feel very restless in the wait. And I’m just like - ok God, it feels like we are in the last days, are you still giving out husbands? What’s going on. I’ve been cooking a lot more lately, I’m ready on the home front!”

“I check my heart sometimes and ask myself if I am growing tired of the wait, if I’m trusting God in it. You know what I’m saying? I don’t believe that God has called me to celibacy. But Lord when? I saw a meme once that said - if it’s not time yet Lord, just send me a tracking number.” Charity laughed! “I thought that was hilarious. Even if I’m tired of waiting I also don’t want to just make something happen. Because I absolutely want His will and I want who God wants. I don’t want to just conjure up something - ‘Ok, well, its the last days, I’ll just marry somebody.’ No! I don’t want that either! So I don’t know. It's a funny place right now. But I do trust God in it and I trust that he knows best.

“There has been temptation and people who have popped up in my life who are after one thing and I’m just like - “Goodbye. No! Please go away.” That is the devil. But I struggle the most when those people pop up because it can become all consuming. Who doesn’t enjoy the attention? Who does not enjoy that? There are times where it is like “oh nice there’s someone that is noticing me, oh that’s great”. I could very easily have and entertain a boyfriend, but the commitment that I made to the Lord to be abstinent, how much of that would be challenged? Especially if he is not likeminded. This is where I start, because if they aren’t open to that, where is it going to go? If we aren’t likeminded we would be wasting each other’s time. I’m not available for that. I am not single and looking, I’m single and ok being single.”

Longing for God to fulfill a desire He has put in your heart while holding that longing in surrendered hands is hard. I asked Charity where she looks when the road seems long and dark. I didn’t even get the question asked before she responded with “JESUS!” “JESUS. Flat out.” Then Charity took some time to lay out some day to day practical steps towards walking the path of singleness.

“People need a good supportive group around them, accountability is huge. You need someone who is walking the same area of spiritual maturity and growth as you because otherwise there is no accountably. A struggle for me has been that my love language is touch. And I’m just like - “I’ve been single for forever, and my love language is touch and… what am I supposed to do with all of this!!” I have a friend who I keep up with and we share our locations with each other. She knows that if I don’t recognize the address she is at I will check in and see what she is doing and she will do the same for me.”

“Spending time with the Lord and being very consistent with that is so important. The word of God is the true stabilizer. Definitely develop a prayer life, that is very important. If you are in tune spiritually it is a lot more difficult to go off path because you are spiritually minded. It doesn’t mean that the darts won’t come but it does mean that most of them won’t penetrate.”

“Find opportunities in your life for outreach. If you are not in ministry at your church, get into ministry. Ministry is important. It keeps you active and it keeps you acclimated to spiritual principles. There is a song that we sing at our church called ‘All Day Long I’ve Been With Jesus”' and for me that has always been my prayer that no matter what is happening through the day that I sense the Lord. But that comes out of spending time with Him.”

Walking with God is both unbelievably exciting and unbelievably challenging. Charity concluded with a reminder of who God is, and the stability that that brings to her life.

“God is the beginning and the end of my story. Everything is wrapped up in who God is and who He says I am. I’m not going to be defined by this story of abstinence but God gets the glory through it. Sometimes when I talk about my story I can forget that it is God who has kept me and has sustained me through this season. I have forgotten at times that God is, and was, the reason why this journey even began. When I made the decision to be single it was just a decision, it wasn’t about trying to follow God’s way, but then God broke down my defenses and started healing my hurts and drawing me to himself so what started out as a decision became a commitment. Even through the story of abstinence God has given me victory. Galatians talks about not being entangled again with a yoke of bondage which God has already freed you from. That is a scripture that has been difficult for me sometimes, because it would be so easy to go back. It would be too easy. But then I think about how much God has done and I think, how dare I mess up 6 years! How dare I! I’m all about challenges,” Charity said in a bring it on voice and laughed. “I love a good challenge.”

“When you have experienced God for yourself, that’s what makes it real, and no one can take that from you. When your dad or aunt tells you “God is faithful, just trust him”, it's beautiful but it is different when you have experienced God’s faithfulness for yourself, when God shows up for you, and you experience Him as provider.”

LORI

“I haven’t arrived, singleness is still a struggle. But I’m seeing and starting to understand that singleness is not plan B. It is not the left over, it’s not, it’s not! Just like salvation through Jesus was not plan B for God - that was his plan before creation. Singleness is God’s best for me and I’ve only come to realize that in the last year. “

Growing up - in our culture, in the Christian church, in a family - means that everywhere you turn you are going to be told explicitly or implicitly that you need a partner. Marriage is a beautiful picture of Christ and His bride the church, children are a blessing from God, but what is singleness? Is there beauty in something that seems to represent the brokenness of this world? As I sat and talked to Lori about these questions a new perspective began to take shape for me.

Lori is quiet, but always has a story, she loves to make people smile and often gives generously of herself to serve others. She has had a successful career in telecommunications for over thirty years but in the last few years has moved into serving on staff at Trailhead church. As with every person who understands the worth and value of privacy, opportunities to share how loneliness has shaped her life isn’t something Lori seeks out. But as she shared her story with me, my own heart responded to the struggle she described and longed for the faith to see my life through the lense she sees hers.

“I wanted kids, I wanted the white picket fence, the whole deal and the church supports that.”

Lori fell in love with and dated the same man all through collage. They got engaged as seniors. He was a Christian and abusive, she was young, committed and loyal. They broke off their engagement just six months before the wedding, leaving Lori hurt and disillusioned.

“After that I needed to get away from everything so I moved to get a new view. I got involved in singles groups at churches. We used to call it prayer and stare - everybody was shopping.

I had a series of close friends who were guys. Then one day they would say “You’re such a good friend that I want to share with you that I met someone and I think she is the one!” And I’m thinking, we must just be friends, because you're dating her! There is a whole level of emotions that come with that, and frustrating is just scratching the surface.

But I reasoned, “Ok, God’s preparing me for my guy in these relationships just as he used me to prepare my guy friends for their true love.” I was trying to be a good Christian girl, and that meant saying I wanted only what God had for me. I bought into the lie that “my guy” would come when I finally stopped searching and admit that I wasn’t interested. I felt guilty, that I was doing something wrong, that I must be bad at relationship, or a bad Christian, or I’m not ready for somebody or just not good enough. I couldn’t see then, but now I’m starting to see the gospel in all of that! I see the gospel in that it’s not about my doing right so that I get the prize. The prize is not that I get a husband. The prize is Jesus! I didn’t see that then, but I see it now.” Lori laughed quietly to herself as she thought about seeing beauty where she had never seen it before.

“God doesn’t call us to be single, he calls us to to walk with Jesus, to die to ourselves, lay down our lives for others and be obedient to him. He chose to have me do that single as he has chosen others to do it married, because the work He has for each of us is going to be best done by a person in that state. I don’t have to like it but now I get it. And part of being able to “get it” comes with knowing that singleness is not waiting for the day when you can be coupled, it is not plan B.”

But being convinced of this took years for Lori. She told me that it took looking back through the years and seeing that God has been faithful.

“I just read this morning about Abraham. When God asked him to sacrifice Issac it wasn’t so much that he thought God would provide a substitute as he believed the promise of God and so he could continue on. I need to lean hard on the promises in order to trudge through this life as a single. Sometimes I’m tempted to think “Yeah, God is in control but he’s not doing such a great job right now. I’m going to have to manage things until he comes back on line.” But Abraham didn’t do that, he didn’t have a back up plan for God. He just trusted in the promise and God had an answer that he wasn’t counting on. Thats what I am learning - learning to trust.“

Trusting that God will keep His promise even when He asks us to walk through trials is not an easy task. Staying focused and putting one foot in front of the other along the dusty road to Mount Moriah can be lonely and will be hard. Lori talked about her loneliness as a single but more specifically as a human.

“I think we are all seeking intimacy through relationship. God built that into us and we are only satisfied when we find that intimacy with him. But we replace it with people or want to get it from people. I have been doing a lot of study on loneliness and that has led me to studying suffering because loneliness is suffering. I’m learning that suffering in the Christian’s life has purpose.

I read a book that has helped me to understand this by Elizabeth Elliot. It’s called the Path of Loneliness and it blew me away. In that book she talked about the point in life when her husband was killed and she was left alone in the jungle with an infant. Suffering was all she had. Elizabeth Elliot said that if that suffering was the only thing that God has given her she would give it back to him as her gift. It is all she had to offer. And the moment that she can take that suffering and put it at the foot of the cross it released her to be able to love others. And when she reached out to love others she was served and she felt less lonely! And I’m like ugg!!! I didn’t want that to be the answer!! But that has turned around my thinking just recently. When I’m loneliest, I want to wallow and cry and feel pathetic. And I let that go, I said, “Ok God, I don’t have anything to offer you so I’m going to give you this - this lousy gift that you have given me.” I have to stop trying to control it or overcome it, die to myself and release it from my control. I have to do it a lot but it frees me to reach out to others instead of isolating myself and it blesses me. Its ridiculous!!! And then, when I am doing the work that God has called me to, it gives me a feeling of purpose. I can feel that intimacy with Him and then I’m ok being home reading or taking pictures or whatever else I want to do, because I’m doing it with him. I’ve traveled the world for business and some pleasure. But mostly traveled alone. I used to think how sad it was that I couldn’t hit someone on the arm and say “Look at that, isn’t that amazing!” But I can look at that now and see that I took those trips with the Lord. He was elbowing me and saying “Lori, look at that! Isn’t it amazing!” And that’s the intimacy that we are all looking for, but only get a taste of it this side of heaven.

Lori is lavish when she serves others. She told me about when she was younger, showing up unannounced, asking if she could give her mom friends a break for the afternoon by playing with the kids. She related fixing up her apartment, even leaving a bottle of chardonnay wine in the fridge (a classic, ironic Lori touch) and then trading homes with a couple for the weekend. Giving her friends a quiet weekend away while Lori watched their kids.

“I see the enemy in the lie that we can be satisfied in human relationships. That is a lie that I’ve believed for a long, long time. I talk to married people who have that wonderful, wonderful man and they’re lonely. They struggle, he’s not enough and they are still wanting. But I look at them and think, “Sure. But they’ve got to be happy, they’ve got their person!” - I just want a person. But, really, really, really, really a husband is not the answer to loneliness in my life. Because I could have a husband that is a great person, God fearing and loves me beyond what I hope and imagine and he will still not be enough. Married people aren’t satisfied and I’m not satisfied because we can only be satisfied in Christ.

I feel in an odd way that I have an advantage in that area. A married woman has the temptation to lean on their husband more than the Lord, but I don’t. I have other distractions and temptations, but I have much more focus on the Lord because I have to have that focus to get through this life.”

“Now I can see…” was a phrase that Lori repeated often as I talked to her.

“When I was looking though your questions the other day I was thinking how differently I see things now than when I was in my 20’s.

In my 20’s after I broke up, I struggled with self condemnation and I kept blaming myself and saying “well, I deserve this, if I had been a submissive woman, or if I had behaved well enough, or if I was able to have a relationship correctly - then it would have been ok.” I thought that the reason why I can’t find anybody was that I just couldn’t do relationship right. Each time a friend got engaged and I had to go to another wedding, it was a struggle. I had to be strong through it and be happy for them in it. It was a matter of denying my own feelings over and over again, hiding the disappointment and hurt and anger. I struggled with that for decades.”

In the movie The Hiding Place, based off the book by Corrie ten Boom, Corrie described a time that she and her father were traveling together. Her father lovingly cared a suitcase that was heavy for Corrie until she needed it. Later in life she equated that to faith when life got too hard to understand. God carries your suitcase like a loving father, and gives it to you when you need it.

“If you had told me when I was in my 20s “you’re never going to be married,” I don’t know if I would have been able to carry that suitcase for my entire adult life. But he gave me what I needed at the moment for that moment, enough to take the next step. Now I can look back at all those moments and see that he has been faithful through every one of them. I can trust that now. Even when the suitcase he gives me is heavy.

Within the last year, God has impressed on me that He just doesn’t have a husband for me, and that’s going to be ok. It was a realization for me that that is what he had for me. And I say it that way because it is not that that is what he did not have for me; that’s what he had for me. There was a reason that I didn’t have kids or a husband and I don’t know what that reason is, but I can trust Him in that. Even so, in the timeline of life, in your 20’s and 30’s everyone is getting married, and there’s heartache. In your 30’s everyone is having kids and there is heartache. Now in my 50’s and 60’s everyone is having grandkids and there is heartache. It hurts just like it hurt when I was in my 20’s but that’s not what God has for me. He has something different.

The thought that I have no legacy is a lie. It’s one of the lies that I have believed. Even though I don’t have children, I have descendants. The people I have lead to the Lord are my legacy and through them I have met my spiritual grandchildren. What that does for my heart! I have an eternal legacy!”

You do not walk a hard road year after long year without learning something, whether that be the practice of cynicism or the fullness of joy. Lori has chosen to turn to God even when it seems to turn her away from the path she wants because she is not willing to let go of the promises He extends those who walk with Him.

“Throughout my life I have seen his steadfastness. He is not like us people who are selfish. My early exposure to relationship told me that “I will leave you and hurt you and not protect you.” But He has revealed himself to me over and over and over again as being steadfast. This truth is what I stand on when it gets dark. I think about moments in those storms when he has revealed himself and said “I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” And that's the message of the gospel - just how much God loves us and chose us and chooses to redeem us. It’s a beautiful picture! I don’t know if there is ever a day where I say, I have overcome, its a walking and a process. But God chooses us!” Excited joy welled up in Lori and danced in quiet laughter. “He already chose me and I rejoice in that!”

Isaiah 54 I - Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD.